They’re gold-grubbing, soul-selling comedy machines and I love it. I can’t stop making goblin alts.
Once upon a long long time ago in a state far far away, a much younger self started playing WoW as a little undead rogue named Claire. Unfortunately, I had rolled on a PvP server to play with a friend. “But Mech,” you say, “why is this unfortunate? PvP is fun!” Well, it was unfortunate because some max level Alliance decided to camp my poor level 16 corpse, making it impossible for me to kill plagued bears in peace. How do you get revenge when you’re dinky and they’re twinky (and way more numerous)? So I /ragequit the Forsaken and made a Tauren. Do you remember when Thousand Needles was dry? I do, because I made my Tauren jump off the plateaus.
Anyway, years passed where I did not play WoW. When I returned (post Cataclysm), I looked at goblins and thought, “Jeebus, their ARMS!” So I rolled a Troll instead, Versebelg. (Ailabeth, my Forsaken and mostly forgotten priest, was also created around the same time.)
But then, one day, I made the fatal mistake of rolling a goblin just to see what their starting area was like, and now I’ve gone through their starting area approximately one million times. This is particularly insane considering you do 100+ quests before you even get off the islands.
My first goblins were the Goldwasher sisters, Thingie, Majig and Mabob. No, of course their ancestors did not launder money! Their business endeavors were entirely legal. Well, mostly anyway …
Thingie, who is still around, is the eldest of the three, and the crankiest. She is filled with rage (this is punny because she’s a warrior!), which she sometimes takes out on monsters by beating the sheeyit out of them.
Majig, the middle sister, started out as a restoration shaman. She did not last too long in this occupation, as she found it much more satisfying to dual wield sharp pointy objects. (Perpetual annoyance seems to be a family trait.)
Mabob, the mage, has since gone off on her own (a.k.a. been deleted). Her rather frequent death rate probably reflected my inherent tendency to either 1.) run up to the monster and smack it in the face, or 2.) stand my ground when the monster runs towards me. This is not how being a mage works.
After that, you’d think I had all the goblins I needed. Wrong!
That’s when I made Mechalis. I had one goal – be the happiest, most ridiculous damn Death Knight ever, and boy, did I succeed in that regard. Blizzard’s code apparently agreed, for every minion she summons has a daft name. Mechalis typically winds up with unintimidating, rather awkward minions like Wormjumper (he has low standards), Eyeface (he’s got eyes! On his face!) and Dirtthief (why does he steal dirt?). She has a soft spot for Mudchewer (teeth are overrated), however, so she lets him stick around.
If it’s silly, has to do with rockets or pool ponies or things that don’t really need an attention span, Mechalis is all for it. She has no last name, because that whole Scourge thing did a number on her memory. All she really remembers now are rockets, profit and the comfort of cold, hard gold. But that’s ok. When you’re a goblin, that’s really all you need.
After getting Mechalis to 85, I promptly made more goblins.
Bombelina Sparklefuse is a wee rogue, and a cousin of the Goldwashers. Her goal is, appropriately, to open up all the boxes ever. Her hair is ridiculously cute. Did I mention boxes? Okay, good, because that’s really all she exists for. That, perhaps, and sneaking around in the awesome way only goblins do.
(Given my tendencies mentioned earlier – smack things in the face, stay put and stab back – I suck at rogues too. I know this because there have been other Forsaken rogues in my past who never made it past level 16. I seem to be doing somewhat better this time around, however.)
And I should not forget Centina, hunter and self-proclaimed Miss Bilgewater. She has no last name, but that’s simply because I haven’t made one up. Her first pet was a crab, who met his end on the Lost Isles. Good-bye, Crabcakes. You were delicious.
I made Centina for two reasons: 1.) My 85 huntard is a troll, not a goblin, and I’m too damn cheap to pay for a race and name change, and 2.) OMFG color changing spiny raptor only goblins can get yay! (I named him Kaja. Never forget Kaja-cola, official beverage of the Bilgewater Buccaneers! It gives you IDEAS!)
I like being a huntard for several reasons: 1.) I have an excuse when I do something stupid, since I’m not expected to be smart*, 2.) I like classes with pets/companions/things that help me, 3.) I am independent, meaning leveling is not a pain in the ass, and 4.) there are no expectations of saving someone else whatsoever, which is very good since I have a lot of trouble saving myself sometimes. FEIGN DEATH FOREVER!
I fully intend on going Beastmaster so I can tame a Devilsaur and name it Sharptooth.
* This also works in my favor when my DPS is low, since I’m expected to suck.