Tanks, but No Tanks

Balloon TankDon't wanna pop yer bubble.

Balloon Tank
Don’t wanna pop yer bubble.

So, tanks.  Tell me, what’s up with you lately?  Something seems off and I can’t quite put a finger on it.

I love me some tanks.  I try to be understanding when it comes to tanks.  I’m not a full timer or anything, but I’ve tanked sometimes myself and have eyerolled at the mage who always pulls or the DPS who thinks he’s a tank too.  I try not to say anything bad, since they’ve got enough to do and hear enough crap as is.  I mean, I’ll shout “MOVE!” if a tank is standing in sheeyit, but that’s fair, ’cause I shout that at everybody.  Seriously, doods!  I don’t complain when tanks can’t keep hate/aggro, or when we wipe, or when you really need to pull those mobs out of that thing that’s healing them.  You’re doing your job, and I’m doing mine, which is to shoot all the things.

So why is it that I keep on encountering tanks in LFD who are acting like prima damn donnas?  Warrior, paladerp, beartank, drunk monk or death knight, it doesn’t matter.  They can do it because they know we need ’em and can’t live without ’em.  And what do they care about our thirty minute queue times when they can get a party in a minute (or five, depending on heals)?

Why, I ask, must you drop the party in the middle of the freaking instance when you do/do not get that tank trinket you wanted?  Why, I ask, must you drop the party the moment you zone into the dungeon and realize that it’s not the one with the tank gear you wanted?  Why, I ask, must you get trollish, pull crap and THEN drop the party, trying to kill us all when you go?  This last one pisses me off the most, especially if things haven’t been all that damn bad and nobody’s died – what the hale is wrong with you?  Leave if you must, but sheesh, leave us alive.  (Also, what’s up with people botting tanks?  Jeebus, that’s a disaster.)

Given the large number of DPS only alts I have, I complain about the queue times a lot.  I’ve often said I’m going to make a tank @#%$ it so I don’t have to wait this @$%*ing long for a queue anymore! These days, though, my complaint is different.  It’s more like, “I’m gonna make a tank damn it so I don’t have to deal with this sheeyit!”  I’ve started a couple of times but then I always got distracted by other shiny things.

Worm tanks like a pro.

Worm tanks like a pro.
He uses his powers of revulsion to scare the bejeesus outta enemies.

I like to solve my problems.  Well, sorta anyway, since I still couldn’t tank for my ninety million DPS alts … but at least I would be “contributing” and complaining less!  I’d probably want to go Horde, since that’s where I spend most of my time.  All slots on WRA are currently full, unless I deleted one of the low level alts (only Daschela or Thirabel would be candidates).  Therefore, if I want to stay Horde-side on WRA without deleting anybody, I have the following options:

Esplodine, Warrior
Pros: Plate!  Already has Protection set as an alt spec.
Cons: I’m still not having much fun with being a Fury Warrior, but I also remember thinking that I couldn’t take tanking as a warrior any damn more somewhere around Blackfathom Deeps.  Maybe warrior tanking is better now?  Also, she has no tanking gear (WTB shield).

Mechalis, Death Knight
Pros: Plate!
Cons: She’s level 88 right now.  Isn’t that … a little late to start tanking?  She has no tanking gear.  Would have to change her alt spec, which means giving up either Frost (awww, man, but I can dual wield!) or Unholy.  I’d probably ditch Unholy since everybody can control an undead minion for up to five minutes now and just retame it when control drops.

Alexalis, Monk
Pros: Hasn’t even bothered to set her alt spec!
Cons: Would have to compete with ninety million other leveling monks for gear.  I also can’t imagine Alexalis taking damage for anybody, because they’re almost all breathers.

If I DID delete somebody, it would probably be Thirabel, since Daschela is representing for (level 25 wooo) druids.  I could figure out a new pet plan so Therm could tame Gib the Banana Hoarder (BECAUSE OMFG MONKEY IN A FE… wait, have I said that before?) and the other assorted pets I want.  (WTB more stable space.)  Then a slot would then be available for a new tankytype.  Since I can’t have another Death Knight and I’d probably go paladerp for the facerolling because why make this harder than it has to be, this leads me back into my eternal conundrum of “Urgh, blood elves” vs. “Oh Gawd, Tauren fingers and no freaking hairdos.”  (Honestly, guys, have you ever looked at just how few options Taurens have for customization?  It’s kinda unfair!)


(Balloon Tank was found via Google and is apparently the work of this artist.  It’s actually kind of cool to see the tank deflate over time.)

5 thoughts on “Tanks, but No Tanks

  1. Leit

    Napkin analysis of tanks, because I have them all apart from a monk:
    – Paladins don’t feel nearly as strong as other classes when they’ve just hit 90, but with a bit of gear and the right spec (moar self-heals) they’re nearly impossible to kill. Very flexible, with a good mix of cooldowns, on-demand AoE and ranged mechanics. Great to level.
    – Bears are surprisingly fun to play, and really really simple. Mists dungeons don’t have the tendency of Cata to punish the only tank without a significant ranged-pull mechanic. Can still be frustrating with the few ranged-heavy pulls, though. Will pull utterly *insane* DPS in AoE situations.
    – Death knights are death knights. They’re the best tanks out of the box at 90, and with the changes to diseases are very light on maintenance. Both of our main raid tanks are DKs. Good on self-healing, good at dealing with burst magical damage, a little light on protection from successive heavy hits, so if you’re not using your skills properly in a raid you’re going to become a smear on the floor and the healers will all hate you.
    – Warriors… are basically an endangered species, with most relegated to Arms for PvP. They’re capable but… well… complex. My bear has all sorts of stuff mapped on her bars, because her core layout is basically 5 attacks, 2 cooldowns and 2 active mitigation skills. My warrior has an answer for literally anything an enemy can do, but there’s no way I can bind it all. Caveat, though: I’m still levelling my warrior, she’s only 86, so this is really only a guess as to why they’re not preferred.

    Playing tauren is *weird*. It’s all good until you get out of the starting area and suddenly realise how small everything is. That said, helms and shoulders generally look good on them. Pity about those awful, awful mouths they have.

    Blood elves… are ever so pretty. A female blood elf tank is the least convincing thing in the game, ahead of gnomes and goblins, which takes some doing. The males at least look haughty enough for the prima-donna role.

      1. Leit

        Pretty much. If you look closely it does seem like there’s something sorta there… but it’s so deformed as to make it look like those horrible growths where eyeballs start growing in your liver.

  2. Prinnie Dood Post author

    I find that if it can’t fit into the default “1 through =” action bar or the first four keys immediately above on the lower left action bar (which I set to the number pad), I will almost never use the skill. Thermalix is the only one who makes regular use of the entire extra lower left bar, and that’s only because I HAVE TO with traps and all. She also has the lower right and the right side action bar filled up, but either 1.) it’s stuff like fishing/arch, or 2.) it’s the stuff that I might THEORETICALLY need but never use (like Flare, ’cause how often do I PvP?). (My alts with actual castable buffs usually put those where Therm’s got crap.)

    And yes. She needs her tan camel mount button.

    Perhaps because I’m so used to being short as hell, “convincing” isn’t an issue for me. It’s the female blood elf emotes that do me in.

    I swear to God the next time one of ’em does that joke about going to Undercity for a facial in front of one of my Forsaken, they’re going to take her to meet Apothecary Keever. (http://www.wowhead.com/npc=5734) I hear that guy’s got some great beauty treatments.

    1. Leit

      I try to keep to two bars, plus a sidebar for utility stuff like hearth and mount. 1 to =, shift-1 to shift-5, and some stuff like qerfgh and mouse buttons to fill out the bars because there’s no realistic way I’m hitting shift-8 in combat.

      Apothecary Skeevy over there seems like a standup guy. 😐


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