I debated for awhile whether or not I was going to post this, but then I realized, it really doesn’t matter. If nothing else, it’ll help me cope with the fact that I got hung out to dry without a chance to defend myself or address any of the issues that guild leadership allowed to boil over. If folks are angry with me for writing what I think, well, it’s not like I’ll never know, since they never told me about the issues they had with me in the first place. Rather than deal with the ACTUAL problem – the misunderstandings that were allowed to fester – they elected to get rid of the perceived source of the problem – me. Easier, yes. The right thing to do? Depends on who you talk to. When I tried to talk to an officer, I was ultimately redirected to the guild master, who just wanted to get it over with. It didn’t sound like folks who were willing to change the way they see me.
In the end, though, this is fine. Now that I know how the guild handles interpersonal issues, it clearly wasn’t the place for me, no matter how much I loved hanging out with everyone, or how funny and smart I thought everyone was. I need things out in the open, because I’m tired of no one telling me TO MY FACE there’s an issue. I’m tired of people being surprised and insulted when I fail to magically realize and correct my apparently bad behavior.
I also think raiding had a lot to do with it, so I’m done with raiding too.
I have a dominant, energetic personality on and offline. When I’m in a guild, I ALWAYS become a larger than life character – people either love me or they hate me, and few people have the balls to ‘fess up to the latter. I know that I will never, ever be able to make friends with everybody, because some folks will simply find me too obnoxious to tolerate, no matter what they say in public. That’s life. Still, I typically try to keep the peace. I don’t like or want drama in my life.
In two guilds running now, I had more friends than enemies before I joined the raid team. After I joined the raid team in each, shit hit the fan in a matter of months. So I’m done. I am now a strict casual with absolutely zero raiding aspirations. Screw that whole trying to expand my horizons business. Forget trying new stuff with guildmates, because it is NOT WORTH IT. This is twice in a row that my DPS, my gearscore, my reforging or some other esoteric game feature (GEMMING! ENCHANTING! UPGRADING! Blah blah blah) that might incrementally increase my PERCEIVED competence and thus improve my PERCEIVED contributions has become an unresolved issue that fed into incorrect assumptions already being made about my personal character.
You know what? I’m tired of being considered the lazy, inconsiderate, careless, guild-dividing problematic asshole when I’m nothing like that. I honest to God try to do my damned best. When I give my word, I show up. I am there, on time, every damn time. I honest to God try to work with everybody whether I like them or not. I honest to God try to be understanding and like them even if I don’t see eye to eye. I try to be a goddamn nice person and give every guildmate the benefit of the doubt that LFD never sees.
But whatever I am or try to do, I am not and will not be a mind reader. If I had not been on the raid team, I may have only delayed the inevitable – but being on the raid team sure helped the situation blow up spectacularly. If somebody thinks I dislike them but nobody ever says a word TO ME about it, I will probably not figure it out. If I’ve reforged but it’s not quite right, I’m probably not going to realize it’s a titanic, raid-breaking issue unless somebody says something. If I reforge and think I’ve solved the problem, I’m not going to realize that it’s STILL a problem unless someone says something TO ME, NOT through an intermediary. If speaking my piece in chat is a respect issue – I will not know until somebody TELLS ME that they feel they’ve been disrespected. This is NOT being needy – this is NOT the same as a child requiring constant reminding – this is being HUMAN, with a different way of communicating.
When people can no longer see that I sign up for guild events because I enjoy hanging out with the guild – NOT because I might conceivably profit via transmog items for myself – then there is no hope they will ever understand who I am or how I play. When the fact that I only put transmog runs on the calendar (while other folks put nothing at all) is considered an example of how little I contribute to the guild, then reality is out of whack. When I am accused of running off in cliques when I’m playing with friends – WITH GUILDMATES – how the hell can I possibly hope to get others to straighten out their point of view long enough to see me for who I truly am? When people accuse me of abusing Guild Repair without ever ONCE telling me that I am only to use it after guild events and at no other time – then this shit has gotten downright stupid as hell. It shows how I am in the wrong because of who I am thought to be, not because I used Guild Repair. Using Guild Repair out of line just goes to cement the impression that I’m taking more than I give.
I’m so tired of this.
I don’t like raiding. I didn’t know it when I signed up for the raid team with a new guild. I assumed that it probably wasn’t fun with the first guild because of the silent treatment I wound up getting, and that it would be better with a different group, one that I thought I got along great with. But now I know that it can go wildly wrong there too. If I’m not going to get the silent treatment, I’m going to get kicked from the guild without warning, and that’s not fun either. (It was the decision of the guild master and three other officers, in a meeting long after I left for the night. I apparently pissed them off one time too many. Ironically, I was once an officer too, but not once two of the other officers started having problems with me. It was nice of them to kick ALL of my characters when I was offline. The suitably vague letter declaring the will of the officers and professing no “ill will” towards me was all the information I was intended to get until I started causing a fuss.)
Before raiding, when everybody’s getting their stuff together and showing up/summoning/whatever? That’s fun, because people aren’t stressed out, focusing on problems or trying to find the reason everything is failing hard. After we finally beat something, that’s fun, because people aren’t stressed out, focusing on problems or trying to find the reason everything is failing hard. The raiding part itself? Not so much.
If it’s not the wipes or getting myself in trouble for speaking my mind when a general question is asked in the public raid chat, it’s the sense that no matter what the eff I do, I will never be good enough for the game or for fellow raiders. Not doing enough damage? Well, you’re not carrying your weight and you’re letting the team down, so get new gear. Get new gear? Well, you didn’t reforge/enchant it/gem it it exactly to Ask Mr. Robot standards, so you are @#^%ing over the team. We sent you one letter once about it, so why are you still &*$!ing over the team? We shouldn’t have to remind you, it’s your responsibility and everyone does it. This is all obviously because you’re a selfish, contrary-for-the-sake-of-being-contrary, pain-in-the-ass, happens-to-be-casual player who doesn’t understand, doesn’t try hard enough and is just a damaging drain on guild morale.
Every damn time there has been drama in my game life, it’s been the result of raid stresses causing minor interpersonal disagreements to take on a life of their own and explode. No more. I am going to do my damn casual thing. I am going to quest. I am going to transmog. If I get invited to an old school raid, great, but hell if you’ll see me in another raid from this tier, let alone the new ones in 5.2.
I am fundamentally a good person, and I want to be seen that way. I firmly believe that all of this shit could have been worked out if the other participants WANTED it to be – when I know there’s a problem, I try to solve that damn problem. They wanted me to figure it out on my own, and every time I failed to do so, I only looked worse and worse in their eyes. It’s too late now. They made their move, and I profoundly disagree (obviously) with it. I’ve made a new guild for my alts and the alts of friends (do you know how weird it is to not have Mass Resurrection?), and I’m chilling there until I feel like finding a new guild for Thermalix. Looks like I finally got the bank for all the transmog gear I accumulate – just in a way I never, ever wanted.