Baby Don’t Hurt Me No More

Esplodine had been sitting at 88 for a very, very long time.  Since February, to be exact, when she was last spotted in the Valley of Four Winds making imperial silk and turning all the moths into floating baby polar bears.  (This was also prior to being renamed something more appropriate for someone who considers “running around in circles casting the circular Arcane Explosion” to be a legitimate rotation.)  Despite the fact that I make a point of getting all Pandaland level alts hearthed at the Shrine ASAP, she had never, ever moved out of the Goblin Slums in Orgrimmar.

It just so happens that she’s also got tailoring and enchanting maxed out, and I’m getting kiiiinda tired of buying expensive enchants.  (Also, additional bag space is always highly attractive.)   Hmmmmmmmmm.  Esplodine’s hour had come.

I gotta say, she got a little overconfident.  Knowing that she’s a bit challenged when it comes to mage-ing “properly,” Esplodine didn’t bother going to Townlong or (Gawd forbid) the Dread Wastes.  Instead, she hung out in Kun-Lai, where she safely trounced all the things – with a few exceptions.  But even the exceptions made her a little cocky – sure, she had to flee from four or five hozen that one time, but she lived.  Ok, so she only had like, 200 HP left, and if a CRITTER had hit her, she would’ve been toast.  BUT NOTHING DID, SO THERE.  Sprites?  Yeah, whatever.  Her own anger?  Ok sure, no problem.

Pay No Attention to Those Tiny Numbers It's a nice shot otherwise.

Pay No Attention to Those Tiny Numbers
It’s a nice shot otherwise.

She breezed through to 90 on a combination of rested EXP, Slow, Blink and, of course, Arcane Explosion.

So upon hitting 90, she decided she was gonna help out the Darkspear at the last minute.  The scenarios went fine (thanks to Cav doing like, 100k+ damage).  Being ranged, she survived killing a few commanders in the Barrens for a few resources.  She took them back to Vol’jin, both expecting the Kor’kron attack and expecting it to be no big deal.

Unfortunately, within minutes, she realized that clothie + having taken Invocation because it’s a passive (which reduces the amount of HP it returns) + you can only Slow ONE thing + hahaha ilevel 430 hahahaha + these Darkspear guards don’t actually seem to be helping much = OH MY EFFING GOD HELP ME WHY GAWD WHYYYYYYY

She tried to be careful.  She tried to pick off the single Kor’kron here and there.  It’s just that every freaking time she tried these things, four or five freaking Kor’kron would stomp over and smash her face into the red desert dust.

Esplodine being Esplodine, however, she did not despair.  No, she spotted a shadow priest nearby, and thought, “dude, they got Power Word: Shield.  And heals.  And, frankly, I can use any help I can get.”  Random invite to perfect stranger?  NO PROBLEM.

It’s safe to say that the perfect stranger did not expect what watching Esplodine operate would be like.

BLINK SLOW FROST NOVA BLINK OGOD RUN RUN RUN Eff that dignity thing, I'm going for SURVIVAL.

Eff that dignity thing, I’m going for SURVIVAL.

The moment four or five more Kor’kron made a beeline for her, Esplodine took off running.  Slow one, sure.  Blink, absolutely.  Buttonmash the ice shield thing until it comes back up?  Yep.  Stop running?  HELL NO, NOT UNTIL DEATH ITSELF TAKES ME.  Rocket Jump!  Frost Nova!  Nether Tempest!  Did Arcane Missiles just proc?  Too damn bad, she’d have to stop running and turn around to use it. BLINK!

Even with the assistance of a shadow priest, she still got flattened in Razor Hill.

Being 90 is hard.

What?  You want me to port all your level 1 bank alts to the Shrine? As long as you're payin', I don't see why not.

What? You want me to port all your level 1 bank alts to the Shrine?
As long as you’re payin’, I don’t see why not.

6 thoughts on “Baby Don’t Hurt Me No More

  1. tomeoftheancient

    At least she’s braver than my under-geared DK who’s too chicken to even go near the Barrens. I think she got the last little bit to 90 by pet battling. All she wants to do is mine. I miss not having a Goblin, they always meet a bad end. Perhaps it’s time to try just one more time.

    1. Prinnie Powah Post author

      I don’t know if I’d go with “brave.” More like, “Foolhardy,” “prone to making assumptions,” and/or “impatient.”

      Our ends may be bad, but they’re usually ones we can make a profit from. (In this case, 502 shoes! A piece of 489 gear!)

  2. myriade

    I’ve been doing almost the same thing leveling my mage! Except I’m lucky enough to have my water elemental tank ALL THE THINGS while I blink to safety. At least now I know what to look forward to on the Kor’kron quests 😀

    Also, “spastic lil fart” = pretty much all the goblins ever. I’d add RICH to the equation, but mine is broke after forking out gold for max flying speed. Time is money indeed.

    1. Prinnie Powah Post author

      LOOK FORWARD TO DEATH. Or at least, extreme trauma.

      I just switched back to Frost, which is her alt spec, because I was getting a little too Arcane Explosion-happy. /cough Every dungeon, all I’d do would be to wait for the tank to pull a lot of crap, then run over, start running in circles (this part is very important), and buttonmash Arcane Explosion. Best. Rotation. Ever. Possibly worst. DPS. Ever.

      Since I changed her name to Esplodine, I’ve been debating switching one of her specs to fire. BUT WHICH?

      If you mean rich in gold, none of my goblins qualify. If you mean rich in character and lol, then they do!

      1. myriade

        Death is already a frequent occurence. Extreme trauma… WHY NOT.

        I have actually managed to TOP DPS charts in dungeons doing NOTHING but Arcane Explosion, wearing horrible quest greens from two quest zones ago. Maybe it’s because I jump while button mashing?

        I struggle with spec-switching decisions. It’s a MOMENTOUS LIFE-CHANGING CHOICE and not to be taken lightly, I wouldn’t know what to suggest except FOLLOW THE EXPLOSIONS /cuedramaticmusic

        And I did mean rich in gold, because my goblin thinks about it entirely too much despite supposedly being a Priest of the Light (it’s shiny!). But then again, being rich in anything is good!


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