How Has Orgrimmar Not Caved In By Now?

Quoth Blizzard, emphasis mine:

“Players who stuck around after the completion of the Dark Heart of Pandaria scenario may have had some inkling that they would be facing off against Malkorok someday in the near future. This is our ‘Patchwerk-style’ boss of the zone, though of course he does have a couple more mechanics than Patchwerk did.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO RLY

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO RLY
Yarly

So there’s this lovely Ancient Miasma thing Malkorok’s got that prevents healing from actually restoring HP, and instead converts it into an absorb shield.  This stuff has a taste reminiscent of asbestos and turns all healers into wannabe Disc priests, whether they actually wanna be or not.  Ancient Miasma also renders me absolutely terrified of having to do something other than DPS down in the Underhold, because there’s no way what have I done to deserve this I don’t understand.  I mean, what does Blizzard want from me?  To think and heal at the same freaking time?  I can’t multitask like that unless it’s panic and coffee!

When we first dabbled in the fight on Normal mode, Ancient Miasma + ALL THE OTHER SHEEYIT HALP was like a cancer of instadeath.  While I can’t say that we cured cancer or removed asbestos from the world in general, we did finally master the use of Ancient Miasma in Flex mode (well, mostly).  Ancient Miasma builds a shield that has three levels of strength, indicated by a single buff/debuff square that’s up on your screen with all the rest of the damn squares you always have.  (Why hasn’t DBM built in a magic sensor or summary box thingie yet?)  Generally speaking, if your shield is on low and you try to soak one of the Imploding Energy purple swirlies or get caught in something else, it’s been nice knowing you.

For me, at least, the most annoying thing was the Arcing Smash + Breath of Y’shaargh combo.  Arcing Smash of course hurts like hell, but that’s not really the problem.  No, the problem is that you have to remember what three sections of the symmetrical, circular platform have last been hit by Arcing Smash, because if you are standing there when Malkies uses the Breath of Y’shaat, you are effed.  There is no indication of what area’s been affected, so you literally have to rely on your already overtaxed brain to keep track.

LFR IS DOOMED.  DOOMED, I TELL YOU.

Sha is Not Your Color I tried to tell you, but you just wouldn't listen.

Sha is Not Your Color
I tried to tell you, but you just wouldn’t listen.

I have to say that even though I’ve seen it before by now, I still don’t like the “Coalesced Turmoil” name for the bag you get when you fail to land loot.  It doesn’t immediately scream “I’M A BAG OF GOLD” at you, so you mistakenly think that maybe you got a trinket called Coalesced Turmoil!  It totally sounds like a trinkety kinda thing, doesn’t it?  But no.  Gold, and most of the time, it’s not quiiiiiiite enough for repairs.  Man, if I could figure out why there’s an inverse relationship between my luck and my desire for luck, I’d win a Nobel prize.  (p.s., EFF YOU MALKOROK.  FIRST you don’t pay my fellow goblins in full, and THEN you turn out to be a cheapskate here too?  GAWD.)

Next up was the Secured Stockpile of Pandaren Spoils.  Quoth Blizzard, emphasis mine,

“It’s been a long time since we’ve made a Raid encounter that didn’t have a single conventional ‘boss,’ but the objective here is simply to shut down the security system before it blows you all up.”

First thought upon approach:
OOOH A THING MUST TOUCH

MUST SEE WHAT'S INSIDE What does THIS button do?

MUST SEE WHAT’S INSIDE
What does THIS button do?

What you should actually do:
Don’t touch it.

Nope Denied.

Nope
Denied.

Don't Think Garrosh Was Into Zoning Code There wouldn't be enough room for this kinda thing anyway.

Don’t Think Garrosh Was Into Zoning Code
There wouldn’t be enough room for this kinda thing anyway.

WELP ON SECOND THOUGHT It's too late to regret it now!

WELP ON SECOND THOUGHT
It’s too late to regret it now!

First thought upon encounter beginning:
HOLY CRAP BOXES MUST OPEN THEM ALL OOOH OOOH OOOH

What you should actually do:
Don’t touch it.

Sadly, it’s not a good idea to have DPS open whatever box seems coolest at that particular moment, which broke my poor little goblin heart.

I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but Kor’kron have the weirdest problems with boxing crap up.  Usually, you’d consider it a great idea to make sure whatever is DEAD before you stuff it in a crate, but nobody apparently thought of that here.  I do gotta say that this time, the Kor’kron habit of putting ONE THING per box actually works in our favor (unlike the stupid crashed resource caravans in the Barrens), since the things that are in the boxes are universally not dead enough until you kill them.

I hate this encounter because of all the unopened boxes, sitting there within reach, constantly tempting me to click on them and wipe us all.  “Open me,” they whisper.  “There could be loot inside!  Okay, probably not, but you like opening things, right?”  I DO.  I LOVE OPENING THINGS.

And I love this encounter, because while I may not be allowed to open any of the boxes, this whole thing’s been engineered by my favorite race ever.  So sheeyit be crazy!  Yeah, you read that right – that particular instakill “Kills everyone, their friends, and distant family members in the immediate area.”  So don’t bring your momma to raid, because when we goblins blow sheeyit up, we BLOW SHEEYIT UP.  Mimiron’s Self-Destruct mechanism GOT NOTHIN’ compared to this.

It also happens in like four minutes.  HAHAHAHAHA. Haha. Heh.  … sheeyit.

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16 thoughts on “How Has Orgrimmar Not Caved In By Now?

  1. myriade

    Maybe I should invite the Annoying Relatives to raid when we get to the Spoils fight. I’m sure we’d get along MUCH BETTER after getting blown up together! Right? Rightttt? 😀

    Reply
          1. Cheap Boss Attack

            I always seem to get those things on the alts that don’t even have professions. My Mage has 20 full spirits with nothing to do but blow it on stacks of herbs or ore for the guild bank. I’d be awarded those instead of a Cinderkitten. Oh god, the aftermath.

            Reply
          1. socalminstrel

            Yeah. 😦 There should be a five-minute unskippable Mission Impossible-like explosion scene in which all your characters have their flesh seared from their bones. And then your skeletons appear on the bridge and you’re already released.

            Reply
            1. Prinnie Powah Post author

              Seriously! If they could do silly cutscenes like the one in Throne of Tides, or the lighting of the freaking torch on the Wall even, they could do a big explosion. I would accept a big fireball, even.

              Reply

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