Prinnie’s Useless Horde Bodyguard Guide

Who Would DO Such a Thing Who, indeed.

Who Would DO Such a Thing
Who, indeed.

Name: Aeda Brightdawn
Class: Derplock
Semi-Bonus: An infernal summoned whenever she feels like it
Bonus: You can summon a party member!

Comments: Let’s be clear here – Aeda’s got some sorta ambition problem, and she likes to bite off way more than she can chew.  Despite being a clothie without a minion of her own, she tries to tank everything.  She will taunt off legit tanks who can actually tank.  If somebody is fighting mobs near you, she will randomly leap over there and taunt all that too, regardless of whether or not that’s a smart move.  She will taunt anything and everything, also with complete disregard to whether or not she actually stands a snowball’s chance in hell against it.  Just the other day, I joined a group to kill Tarlna the Ageless, and you guessed it – Aeda tried tanking her, too.  Yeah, no, Aeda.  Not happening.

Let's Practice "No" Repeat after me!  "NO!  NO!  NO!"

Let’s Practice “No”
Repeat after me! “NO! NO! NO!”

Prinnierating: Nope.  Would not use again.

Best Picture I Had Sorry, Leo.

Best Picture I Had
Sorry, Leo.

Name: Leorajh
Class: Catman
Semi-Bonus: An actually bloody-looking Bloodlust even if you don’t need it
Bonus: A command table, anywhere!

Comments: Extra extra bonus: if you are almost totally dead, he’ll cast the dinkiest Chain Heal ever.  Chances are it won’t actually be super helpful if you’re getting smashed to pieces by a bazillion adds (that would make him unfairly better than the rest), but hey, at least you feel like he’s trying to be supportive.  Leo here likes the Sun Rock, learning, and long walks around your Garrison on patrol.  Now that I’ve maxed out rep with him, I’m starting to feel bad about the lack of learning opportunities he gets, and I’m avoiding him at all costs.

Prinnierating: Okay, until you suddenly realize you’re not cut out to teach anybody anything about the world.

Ishaal and the Kitchen Sink The sink is in my bag.

Ishaal and the Kitchen Sink
The sink is in my bag.

Name: Talonpriest Ishaal
Class: Shadow Priest
Semi-Bonus: Not being crazy, I think
Bonus: Ishaal has a side contract with United Draenor Mail Service, so neither sleet, nor snow, nor a hail of orcs will stop you from getting your mail, no matter where you stand

Comments: At first, it seemed like the worst thing was going through all of Spires of Arak to get Ishaal, but then I realized it wasn’t that bad, since I needed the cash more than I hated the repetition.  In the end, I saw one big problem: bodyguards in general when combined with a pet-based class played by someone who is also into pet battling and who may also be joined at any given moment by quest-based NPCs.  Let’s see, there’s me, there’s my hunter pet, there’s my battle pet, there’s Rexxar’s bird, there’s my bird bodyguard and his enormous mount, and sometimes he summons a thingiethenameofwhichIforget too!

Prinnierating:  Dude is almost sane.  If you’ve suffered through max reputation with Aeda, Ishaal seems almost forgettable – and that’s good.

So Freaking Tall Seriously, I can't even see my mog when questing.

So Freaking Tall
Seriously, I can’t even see my mog when questing.

Name: Tormmok
Class: Warrior
Semi-Bonus: I don’t know, haven’t gotten that far
Bonus: Repairs, anywhere in Draenor, anytime

Comments: Tormmok is super close to a flight path and as a result he’s ridiculously easy to get, but even so, he happens to be standing nowhere in particular, which means you won’t run into him unless you’re specifically looking for him.  I’ve gone through Gorgrond four times now, and only the last time did I know where to look.  Tormmok has almost disturbingly defined nipples.  Seriously.  Whenever you look at him, he seems faceless thanks to the helm, so your eyes are drawn unwillingly ever downward, where they make themselves quite obvious.  New idea for a feature: TRANSMOG FOR BODYGUARDS.

Oh. You can put those away now, Tormmok.

You can put those away now, Tormmok.

In other news, Tormmok is EXTREMELY TALL (well, compared to a goblin at least), and thus I keep on clicking on him rather than the NPC or item I actually want to interact with.

Prinnierating: He’d be better if he would stand a little farther to one side so I can see NPCs again.  [EDIT: Just read the patch notes and saw “A vendor at the Barracks now sells an item that allows a character to shrink their Bodyguards for 60 minutes.”  PERFECT.]

Vivianne ... Look Up "Context" Eels don't have estates, unless there's an entire eel civilization we've just wiped out.

Vivianne … Look Up “Context”
Eels don’t have estates, unless there’s an entire eel civilization we’ve just wiped out.

Name: Vivianne
Class: Confused Mage
Semi-Bonus: ZOMG METEORS!!! (And a Cauterize should you be near death)
Bonus: A portal back to your Garrison!

Comments: Vivianne is chatty to the point of being somewhat irritating (like pretty much every NPC ever in WoD).  We were in Nagrand one day when she went totally bonkers on me and wouldn’t stop saying the same things over and over and over, even when we were just standing there.  Reloading did nothing, so it turned awkward.  I didn’t know whether I should scream back or do the good ol’ polite smile-and-nod while privately hoping she’d get herself together sometime soon.  Suffice it to say, the experience made me feel a bit iffy on Vivianne.  Still, lots of people loooooooove her sayings, so I guess I’m the only one she’s done that to.

Also, p.s., on the “Vivianne, what are you smoking?” front, her phrases aren’t necessarily, uh, applicable to the mob in question (see image, above).

Vivianne, Vivacious To this day I do not know what set her off.

Vivianne, Vivacious
To this day I do not know what set her off.

Prinnierating: Okay, as long as she doesn’t lose it.




9 thoughts on “Prinnie’s Useless Horde Bodyguard Guide

  1. Balkoth

    Vivianne is so much better than our Dwarf Death Knight. Her AoE does more single target DPS than her single target and her Fireball stacks indefinitely. Hey, uh, if you don’t like her talking so much…I got a Death Knight I’ll trade ya!

    1. Prinnie Powah Post author

      Thanks (sorta), but you can keep him. Vivianne may not know when repetitive conversation is unwelcome, but she’s Forsaken, and they’re my second favorite race after goblins. So I got some loyalty, even if she makes me picture new versions of classic scenes. “Did you think we had forgiven? Did you think we had forgotten? Burn! It is time for your reckoning. Burn! Wait, did I already say that? Maggots in the memory, you see, sometimes things get a little out of order.”

  2. wowstorylines

    Thanks for the chuckle, I needed that – still giggling at some of the descriptions of the bodyguards. You do realize that I may not ever be able to look at the same way before I read this?

  3. Navimie

    HIlarious Prinnie, I have wanted to write a post about my *cough* bodyguard adventures and I agree wholeheartedly with the prinnieview. And Aeda… my guild’s mage told me how much he loved having her around. I disliked her. She is a silly squishy taunting warlock who dies constantly. And she taunts stuff off me when I am Guardian Teddy worse than any LFR tank.

    1. Prinnie Powah Post author

      I’m going to say that Aeda is useful IF all of the following conditions are true:

      1.) You are squishy.
      2.) You are unable to kill mobs quickly.
      3.) You are fighting only one or two mobs, and have some CC options if needed.
      4.) Nobody is fighting anything near you.

      I can see why a mage would love her – she stops sheeyit from attacking you personally, at least, as long as she’s alive. Otherwise? Well, if you kill crap quickly, then she’s useless. If you are a tank, she’s useless. If you’re overgeared, she’s useless. If you’re in an area where she’s likely to pull anything and everything nearby, she’s going to get you killed AND she’s useless.

      I won’t lie, I started using Aeda’s tendency to taunt and inevitable death as part of a tactical approach to rares that my shaman couldn’t take down quickly. I knew Aeda would go over to the mob and taunt off me right at the start, so I’d drop my healing stream totem and a combustostunulator/capacitator totem before pulling to extend her lifespan just a tad. Since I knew she was going to die soon, I would keep an eye out for that “your follower has just bit the dust and is going to mope for 60 minutes” icon. When I saw it, I would dump my earth elemental totem, which would run over to the rare and stun/taunt off me again. By that point, ye old combustostunulator totem would be off cooldown, so I could drop THAT again to get a few seconds more out of the elemental. If I used Ascendance, I could usually get the rare down before or shortly after the earth elemental disappeared.

  4. Hentaya Goldenelm

    Alliance version of Aeda is a dranny paladin, which has the same AI, I think. She lasts a little longer, but during Halloween, when we were killing the spider, the tanky practice dummy took an Arcane Explosion in the face. Soon as the spider was dead, she ran over to the dummy and started attacking it.

    It killed her in two shots.

    Like I said, a LITTLE longer than the warlock. 🙂


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