Tanaah

I finally got up the willpower to update all my addons, download the patch, and log in the other week.  (Go me!)  I was pleased to discover I could now mash the space bar to skip the daft animations for my follower missions.  Sure, it was cool seeing Kimzee Pinchwhistle smack somebody with a couple wrenches at first, but after about a million repeats, it got old.

After space barring my way through missions so fast I couldn’t actually tell whether I’d succeeded or not, I hopped on over to the inn and recruited a new follower supposedly because he had the new fancy Greasemonkey trait – but in truth, it was because Mr. Shirtless showed up for a second time.  I mean, if he’s that determined to join my team, how can I say no?  His official duties will include lounging around on the command table and dancing whenever I order him to do so.

Speaking of the command table, let’s talk the shipyard version.  Skaggies let me know all about the joys of the shipyard:

• You have to do it if you want to upgrade your ring
• You can lose all your sheeyit if you fail the mission

So first you get stuck in a Tutorial Mode that gives you 5 EXP for a mission.  I don’t know about you, but 5 EXP seems real stupid small.  So small, in fact, I don’t even see why it’s considered sufficient motivation for completing the tutorial mode.  Somebody had to promise me that the 5 EXP missions would end before I agreed to continue.

Now, I’m looking at a blockade mission.  This mission prevents me from doing a lot other ones.  BUT TODAY IS NOT THE DAY I DEFEAT IT.  Probably not tomorrow, either.  Actually, unless things change, I probably never will.

First, the game told me I couldn’t have any more ships after I made six of ’em.  Of course, this being my fleet and all, I didn’t end up with a well-rounded bunch.  My half dozen cracked eggs ships have dumb names and redundant skills.

THIS SHIP SU… WAIT
Upon closer inspection, it passes.

Given the ship counters I ended up with, I have such a low success probability that I can’t win unless I get lucky – and as we all know, luck is a @#%^ing @#^#er in WoW.  I hate the idea of destroying my ships by failing!  I’d much rather do it myself.  Alas, as far as I can tell, there’s no way for me to actually take a ship out into Draenor somewhere and run it onto some rocks.  (That’s a mission I could get behind.  Can we get that added to the game?  Kthx.)

So basically, I’m just sitting there twiddling my thumbs.

GO SHIPYARDS WOO

Regarding Tanaan itself, I apparently spent all my motivation points logging in and I got none left for the rest of it.  Admittedly, I’ve only done two or three quests thus far, but it seems like every single one of ’em has had at least one objective that’s somewhere really annoyingly far from where I currently stand.  Distance would be one thing if I could find a way to travel it easily (guildmates be all like, “USE AVIANA’S FEATHER”), but there are hostile mobs blocking all the roads.  They invariably – and I do mean INVARIABLY – knock me off my mount.  Never freaking fails.  I then die and do a corpse run, which restarts the whole thing because guess what?  I DIED SURROUNDED BY A BUNCH OF HOSTILE MOBS OMFG NOWHERE IS SAFE HELP MEEEEEE

(Anybody else remember that pro tip on the loading screen, the one that tells you you’re less likely to encounter mobs if you stick to a road?  AHAHAHAHA.) It’s such a pain in the tootsky to get anywhere!  Screw that!

I dunno, maybe I’m just in a phase or something –  it’s like I’m revisiting the Terrible Twos of my childhood.  It’s the new midlife crisis!  Blizz gently suggests that I do something, and all I can do in response is stomp my feet and yell “NO.”

Immerse yourself in our amazingly realistic dangerous and exciting world! 

NO

I CAN’T EVEN IMMERSE MYSELF IN THE BORING PARTS thanks to my stupid ships … forget doing missions, I mean, who names a Forsaken battleship the “Boughs of Cenarius?”  WHO!?

Don’t Think So
Just NO

Go care about Khadgar and do stuff for him!

NO!  I LIKED WRATHIE-POO WHERE’S WRATHIE-POO

Barkin’ in the Wind
NO I SAID, NO

So go do some rep grinds and get flying!

NO I HATE EVERYTHING YOU’RE NOT MY MOM

Classic Rageface
I SAID “NO,” MOTHER TRUCKER

I’m just going to go sit in Time Out now.  It’ll be better for everyone.

Best Metaphors are the Best
Also, I’m an old fart now.

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When I did LFR, I immediately noticed an update to the experience:

Now That’s Just Rubbing It In
Delicious, delicious RNG.

So lemme get this straight.  Somebody, somewhere, thinks that other people’s loot matters to me …?  BWHAHAHAHA.  It even does this for dungeons!  Please tell me there’s a way to turn this off!

One reason I play goblins is because their self-interest is just so out there.  There’s no varnish to it, no attempt whatsoever at putting a socially acceptable shine on their motivations.  Gear and loot falls into that sort of “selfish” category for me – I care about mine, but I don’t really give a crap when it comes to what other people land (unless it’s something I wanted for myself).  Even when I’m raiding, I don’t care care about the loot my team members acquire.  Sure, I’m happy that they got something, and I’m aware that the better geared we each happen to be, the easier it is for us overall – but I am never the person going “OMFG YOU FINALLY GOT [INSERT NAME OF ITEM HERE] THAT YOU WANTED THE STATS ARE SO GREAT IT’S PERFECT FOR YOU LET ME SEND YOU A CONGRATULATIONS CARD.”  I’m also not the person who’s clueless about drops, because I have eagle eyes when it comes to loot.  I MUST KNOW WHAT WE GOT.  WHAT GRACIOUSNESS DID THE GAME BESTOW UPON PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT ME!?

So when it comes to LFR …

I DON’T WANNA KNOW WHAT PEOPLE GET.

No, seriously, I don’t.  This is especially true when I have not gotten any loot for the past several bosses and have received gold gold gold on my precious bonus rolls.  It’s even MORE true if I really want a particular item and somebody else lands it.

It was one thing to see Joe Schmoe from Wherever link his fancy new bow in chat.  It’s another thing for the game to be all like, GUESS WHAT JOE SCHMOE GOT THAT BOW

p.s.,  I was handed A NEW KIND OF TOKEN OH JOY.  Wait, they’re calling these Seals of Inevitable Fate?  Whahaha!  Given how Blizzard likes to force you to get new tokens for every damn thing under the sun, these are in fact inevitable!  /punny  Don’t tell me how many people have made the same joke, please.

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