Tag Archives: death and destruction

Life in the Slow Lane

Warp Speed Plz WE NEED TO GO TO PLAID

Warp Speed Plz
WE NEED TO GO TO PLAID

Okay.  Now that Bombelina’s been at 100 for a bit, I’ve gotten the Silver proving grounds requirement done for her DPS spec and I’ve had a chance to run a few dungeons, some normal and some heroic.  The proving grounds weren’t bad once I remembered which waves were what mobs, as NOT GETTING STUNNED helped with polishing a wave off with time to spare, which in turn let me prepare for the next by dropping my Capacitator Combustostunulator Totem, refreshing my Searing Totem and throwing out an Earthquake for the extra damage.

Dungeons?  Well …

We've Earned It So much wiping.  So much.

We’ve Earned It
So much wiping. So much.

Grimrail Depot: Bleh.  Can we talk camera angles?  I can’t see sheeyit, which is an issue, as I’ve accidentally pulled things more than once – I’ll think that I’ve tab-targeted THAT orc right in front of the tank, but it turns out to be that OTHER orc over THERE that I couldn’t see because of some crap hanging from the ceiling.  Also, my camera zooms in and out like it’s drunk.

Should Probably Shut Up Now But what if there are WATERLANDS too!?

Should Probably Shut Up Now
But what if there are WATERLANDS too!?

Shadowmoon Burial Grounds: Oooh, this one is purple, and that’s my favorite color!  But dear Gawd in heaven above, Ner’zhul is killer on dungeon groups who can’t coordinate worth crap.

The Birdhouse Skyreach: I don’t know why, but I seem to be super-challenged by narrow path wind mazes.  That one priest who tried to Life Grip me out had good intentions, but he probably wasn’t predicting that the wind on the stairs would blow me off said stairs to my death.  There’s also lag there, since my computer is old and reacts to the dramatic view distance by freaking the hell out.

Everbloom: What’s going on?  Where are we?  What the hell is with all these stupid golden flowers everywhere?

BOOMERANG ROCKS Who knew rocks could return to whoever threw 'em?

BOOMERANG ROCKS
Who knew rocks could return to whoever threw ’em?

Bloodmaul Slag Mines: Who let ogres have fire?  And who put a boss fight on a narrow bridge with giant stunning boulders of fiery death going back and forth?  Seriously, the only way they could’ve made that more painful for me was by placing the fight on some bridge made of STAIRS.  If I’m not getting my casts interrupted by dodging, I’m getting run over and stunned, and if it’s not either of those, then sorry, I can’t reincarnate right now, because I fell off the bridge and am in the lava.

No Invisible Wall Here Trust me, I tested.

No Invisible Wall Here
Trust me, I tested.

UBRS: Man, I so don’t remember Zaela having a batsheeyit crazyass voice prior to this expac … other than that, WE’RE ALL ON FIRE AND CAN WE KILL THOSE DRAKES OR SOMETHING BECAUSE FIRE NEVER MIND WE WIPED.

Dungeons have also made me reconsider which character I “main,” in the sense that I prioritize some alts over others.

In Cataclysm, I was so bad at shaman healing and so indifferent with elemental, I deleted my never-maxed shaman alt.  Then, I loved shaman in Mists.  Most importantly, the casting speeds were quick enough to work with my button mashing tendencies, while 300k mana meant that said button mashing didn’t cripple me when I got a little excited and went overboard – I could get my groove on with the rotation, if you know what I mean.  The rotation wasn’t too damn complex and it wasn’t overly reliant on procs that I couldn’t depend on (I HATE YOU FROST MAGE), while having just enough shiny button procs to keep things interesting.  The automatic double cast with Echo of the Elements made me feel like a default badass BECAUSE MORE CASTING.  Basically, Echo of the Elements made it like HAHAHAHAHA OMFG LAVA AND LIGHTNING EVERYWHERE HAHAHAHA.  I could use Lightning Bolt while moving, I loved my lightning elemental buddy from the SoO tier gear, and Ghost Wolf was like my next favorite thing ever. Bored while waiting for a pull, you say?  Ghost wolf and /dance!  I could DPS!  I could switch and heal!  I was versatile before Versatility existed!

Of course, the Powers That Be decreed this state of affairs wasn’t challenging enough.

I Miss Mine More Than You Miss Yours Uh, on second thought, since we died because of yours ...

I Miss Mine More Than You Miss Yours
Uh, on second thought, since we died because of yours …

Now, it feels like I am SO FREAKISHLY SLOW unless I get lucky with procs.  If we’re fighting mobs with minor amounts of HP (think the tiny trash spiders in Shadowmoon Burial Grounds), I may not even get a single cast off (depending on the competence of melee).  I’ve also noticed that my DPS has gone down the tubes to a degree that’s beyond “no longer wearing tier gear.”  Not only am I slow – I’m wimpy.  (In those cases where I am the top DPS in a dungeon, which has happened, we are totally slow and sometimes just effed, i.e., Ner’zhul.)  Is it because I don’t get as many spells off?  Is it because I hate the global cooldown triggered by Unleash Weapon when it feels like every freaking second counts if I want to get one damned cast in, and not using Unleash Weapon All The Time reduces your overall output by a crapton?  I’m not looking to be top DPS – I know that I don’t have the gear I used to.  It’s just that Shaman used to be a thing where I didn’t have to be some sort of freaking master gamer to land at #2 or #3 in terms of damage – I just had to pay attention and prioritize.  Now, even when I try hard, I’m still left way far behind.

The slow casting makes my button mashing tendencies worse because I get frustrated.  It’s a good thing that the red “that spell isn’t ready yet” messages disappear off the screen after about three of ’em or so – otherwise my screen would be covered.  I feel frustrated when a mob is already mostly dead and I still haven’t finished my first cast yet, which causes me to hit the buttons JUST BECAUSE CAST ALREADY DAMMIT.  Sometimes, my low DPS makes me irritated because it’s somehow not worth all the time I spent casting.  I also get annoyed when tanks pull two mobs instead of three, because I want the maximum number of charges on Earthquake for Gawd’s sake, HELP ME OUT HERE.

And I miss casting while moving, a lot.  I had one freaking spell I could use like that.  But nooooOOOOooooo that was TOO EASY, or something.  So now, not only can we NOT cast while moving in general (yes yes, I know, Spiritwalker’s Grace, which I use in tandem with Ascendance because OMFG does it PISS ME OFF when I use Ascendance and then have to interrupt my casts in order to move), we got a bunch of dungeon encounters where you have to move or DIE (OMFG NER’ZHUL), which means I get interrupted more often than not because I have to skedaddle.  Since I feel like my casts are slow right now, it starts to seem like getting a spell off AT ALL is something akin to a miracle.  All in the name of “challenge,” right?  Well, I call that sorta situation a PITA.

Not As Advertised Supposed to stop Fear, Charm, etc.  FAILS.

Not As Advertised
Supposed to stop Fear, Charm, etc. FAILS.

Also, dude, WTF, my tremor totem used to be, you know, USEFUL.  Now it doesn’t do a damned thing for Fear effects in dungeons, even though it says it should.  I am filled with small-time hate over that.

I know Blizzard can’t make everybody happy, and part of my problem is hanging onto the idea of the shaman as my main even when it’s obvious things have changed in a way my playstyle is not compatible with.  So my other two Horde options are Thermalix (ye old hunter), and Ignitine (goblin warlock with bad ideas).  From what I’ve seen through Dungeon Finder, neither class is derping quite as much as shaman is right now.  On the one hand, I wouldn’t have to worry about cast times or moving while casting on Thermalix.  On the other, Ignitine gets less crap simply by virtue of not being a hunter, and warlocks still have a lot of oomph.

Tangent: Can I just say I’m terrified of healing right now?  I’ve only done the Bronze proving grounds and haven’t even tried healing a real group, mostly because I’ve been watching the HP in these dungeons, and it seems clear that weaker healers struggle with the current setup.  (This goes for almost every single holy paladin I’ve met so far …)  It’s almost like the game design thought process is, “make mobs hit hard and make healing spells weaker, because keeping somebody at max health isn’t exciting or challenging!”  In practice, when one’s competence is determined by “keeping people alive” and that is most effectively done by keeping their HP as far away from death as possible, not having the same oomph sucks.  “This will limit healing to people who really want to do it,” you say.  “Only the people who are decent at it will do it!”  I guess so.  But putting the annoyance factor so high stops people from healing on the side, trying out a new spec or helping guildies/friends by healing a dungeon for ’em – and that seems like an overall loss.

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I’m About to Give In

I am about two steps shy of going OMFG I NEED A SERVER TRANSFER STAT.

Logically, I know that all issues will be resolved in due time.  Emotionally, it’s more like, OMFG AT THIS RATE I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO PLAY MY MAIN AGAIN.  The longer I wait, the longer the queue gets.  IT’S LIKE BLACK MAGIC.

I’ve only been able to log in without waiting in a huge queue when it’s like, 3 a.m. in the morning.  THIS IS NOT A SUSTAINABLE HOUR FOR ME.

RAGE and FRUSTRATION and STUFF ALL THE BAD FEELINGS, I HAVE THEM

RAGE and FRUSTRATION and STUFF
ALL THE BAD FEELINGS, I HAVE THEM

[Edit: Tried to do a server transfer.  Got “Error: You have a character online for this account. Please make sure all characters are offline.”  I HAVEN’T EVEN BEEN ABLE TO LOG IN YET]

/flails

Hello Lag, My Old Friend

Also entitled, “Ermagerd Warlerds.”  Comes with spoilers, sort of.

Being a little too eager to see the new content, I woke up early to send Bombelina through the Dark Portal.  I felt puzzled by Thrall’s premature baldness.  How had I not noticed it before?  Had his thick and luxuriant braids, their source hidden beneath a hood, convinced me that he had a full head of manly orc-hair?  As he and that random draenei dude barged through the portal like a couple of ninnies (look, I know you two are buff, but the Iron Horde’s got sheer numeric advantage on their side), I felt slightly betrayed by that whole adulthood thing.  I had to go to work at this critical moment.  “Just five more minutes …” I wanted to say.

Continue reading

Pow! Bam! Smack! Wham!

The simple act of punching some poor mob in the face has a long and storied history in Azeroth, starting way back when in the dark ages known as Vanilla.  People of that era felt compelled to level up their skill in unarmed combat.  It seems strange to us now, but life in those days was rough, and you never knew when you might have to smash in someone’s schnozz.  More recently, this “punch the @#$%er in the face!” fighting technique has resurfaced for those who vastly outlevel the quest content they happen to be doing.  Why, my buddy Kash was in that very situation the other night!  Her character was buff beyond belief in comparison to the zone’s monsters, so in order to finish up the quest chain for a transmog item she wanted, she had to remove her weapon and strip all her gear.

LFR was being unusually docile* that evening, which left me with some extra time on my hands.  I had an idea.  It was not just a plain old idea, oh no – it was a freaking brilliant idea, and I lost no time sharing it.  “Let’s go punch our way through all the old raids ever,” I saidKash agreed that this was a genius time-wasting concept, so I set about creating a raid group devoted to naked fisticuffs with old school bosses.  I spent ages cajoling, demanding and insisting with virtually everybody on my friends list, but weirdly, nobody else wanted to come.  (Seriously, guys, where are your priorities!?)

Punchathon in Tempest Keep I just don't know why there are so few of us willing to do this kinda sheeyit out there.

Punchathon in Tempest Keep
I just don’t know why there are so few of us willing to do this kinda sheeyit out there.

So in the end, it was just Kash and me.  We had ambitious plans when we first started, which included taking on everything BC, battering all things Lich King, and ultimately ending up KO’ing Deathwing, all with our puny fists.  As you’ve probably guessed, we badly underestimated the amount of time it takes for two people to punch trash and raid bosses to death.

Punchathon in Tempest Keep Don't need no stinkin' pants.

Punchathon in Tempest Keep
Don’t need no stinkin’ pants.

We decided on a “no skills whatsoever” rule, so I brought Alexalis, assuming that as a Mistweaver monk, her punchy-healy goodness would keep our tiny party alive without anybody actually having to use healing abilities.  Kash was smart, and brought a tabard with her.  I didn’t think that far ahead, but I did have a shirt on by accident!  (I forgot Alexalis even had one …)

Punchathon in Tempest Keep Come at me!

Punchathon in Tempest Keep
Come at me!

We started off with Tempest Keep.  All seemed well at first, and we made it through the trash easily (if slowly) just by swinging our fists.  But then we started down the slippery slope of skill usage with Al’ar, who kept flying away.  Movement abilities were okay, we decreed, just not fighty-fighty abilities.  Unfortunately for us, old content still has berserk timers, and we went way past that limit.  Unfortunately for Al’ar, he couldn’t put much of a dent in us, even when he was berserked.  Still, it took so damn long, we concluded that fighty-fighty abilities were okay, as long as you weren’t using a weapon.

Punchathon in Tempest Keep I mean seriously, can't he just stay over here and get punched to death like a respectable raid boss?

Punchathon in Tempest Keep
I mean seriously, can’t he just stay over here and get punched to death like a respectable raid boss?

Goa then made the mistake of logging in, and in short order I dragged him into the Keep in time to face off against the Void Reaver.

Punchathon in Tempest Keep Void Reaver's warranty has been voided.  EL OH EL OH okay, shutting up now.

Punchathon in Tempest Keep
Void Reaver’s warranty has been voided. EL OH EL OH okay, shutting up now.

We’d forgotten that Goa, being a warrior, couldn’t use any skills whatsoever without weapons, and that just didn’t seem fair somehow.  We let him use his weapons after that, mostly so he could press some buttons, but also because it sped things up a good deal.  It’s not that we couldn’t punch everything to death, but more that the punching-only rule was sucking up more time than we had to waste – dinnertime was coming upon us fast.  We skipped Solarian or whatever her name is, and went directly to the top, getting into a fist (and dual mace) fight with Kael’thas.  We eventually managed to take him out – and promptly forgot to take a good picture.

Punchathon in Tempest Keep It turns out that if you run in circles around Kael-ol-buddy here, he'll shuffle around so fast he knocks himself out.  (Sorta.)

Punchathon in Tempest Keep
It turns out that if you run in circles around Kael-ol-buddy here, he’ll shuffle around so fast he knocks himself out. (Sorta.)

 

 

 

 

 

*So we came to the Spoils fight, and as usual, people started talking to the damned box and starting the fight even though groups hadn’t been split up yet.  Irritated, I told ’em, “don’t start it up yet, ya derps,” and they stopped.  Weirder yet, nobody objected to being called a “derp.”  Even stranger still, nobody insulted me, my momma and my DPS for telling them what to do.

Scarlets and Mantids and OMFG DEATH, Oh My

You know what they call THIS?

STATUS MOUNT BABY Now to add some chrome.  Maybe neon too ...

STATUS MOUNT BABY
Now to add some chrome. Maybe neon too …

They call this a STATUS MOUNT.  Yeah, that’s right.  It may not be as statusy as Invincible, but you can’t see that one anyway.  (p.s., can somebody explain to me why I can ride some flying mounts everywhere, even in instances – say, the Sky Golem – but others won’t let me do the same?  They’re all “flying” mounts to me, so I don’t get the distinction.)

You know what they call THIS?

Crazed Tribal Tiki Torch Bikini Babe If you're a guy, you actually expose your moobs.  GASP.

Crazed Tribal Tiki Torch Bikini Babe
If you’re a guy, you actually expose your moobs. GASP.

A FREAKING DISASTER!  Also, I think the shoulder totems/torches/cannons talk when I cast.  I have enough voices to start with, so I really don’t know how I feel about adding two more to the choir.  I guess it would be appropriate if one talking tiki cannon represented Good Prinnie.  Good Prinnie is the Prinnie known for her non-destructive works, like the times when I hit Ghost Wolf before the invis potion button thereby avoiding aggro for the greater good, or when I remembered to heal the tank keep the tank alive when the actual healer was getting mana, thereby saving time for the greater good.  The other talking tiki cannon would represent Derp Prinnie.  Derp Prinnie runs around in circles in the Siege of Niuzao, trailing all the adds everywhere while helpfully screaming “OGOD ALL THE ADDS” in Vent.  In my defense, I thought we were gonna restart the attempt (we didn’t).

Completing all Challenge mode dungeons at the bronze level will net you “the Undaunted” title. This is a very handy dandy title that serves to prove that you will NOT be stopped by the whim of RNG or even the pain of frequent, repeat death.  (YES.  YOU HEAR THAT!?  I AM NOT DAUNTED BY YOU, RNG!)  You can get the mount for all silver runs.  The transmog set is only available to those souls who have completed all the Challenge mode dungeons at a gold level (a.k.a., within a narrow, often annoyingly short time limit).

You gotta be READY for Challenge modes.  CMs are all like, “you think you know these dungeons, eh?  Feel pretty comfy in your tier gear?  Used to that legendary DPS cloak proc that tentacles all the adds dead?”  A CM dungeon will then laugh its ass off and tear you a new one while you sob about your favorite set bonus that no longer counts, or the fact that your invis pot didn’t last long enough for you to actually jump over the edge and engage Gekkan without also engaging sixteen bazillion adds.  Challenge modes like to see you suffer.  A CM dungeon will take one look at that fancy food you just ate and then kill you dead so you have to eat something else all over again.

The level of difficulty meant that Bombelina was the only one who could do Challenge modes, relegating every other alt to support staff status.  As a result, other characters with CM mog sets I liked better found themselves playing second fiddle despite mog usually being my top priority.  Ailabeth got stuck serving time in a damp cave out in Un’goro, looking for stupid mushrooms.  On the plus side, she discovered she could pass the time by one-shotting the gorillas with Shadow Word: Pain.  She eventually emptied the entire place.  Think about it, man –  Bombelina, Ailabeth and an entire species were all devastated by Challenge modes!

Most of My Screenshots Look Like This Because derp

Most of My Screenshots Look Like This
Because derp

My partners in crime in this endeavor were Goa, Kash, Shanthi and Shudal.  They’re all on the same server and in the same guild, which is good, because that means they’re all freaking heroic raiders (a.k.a., this kinda stuff doesn’t really phase them because lol it’s just timing).  Basically, it was all thanks to them that this went over well.  I kinda set the low bar in terms of overall performance.  Since gear is scaled down, it’s obviously a skill thing, but I shall pretend otherwise.  Seeking to deflect attention from my inadequacies, I totally say it’s because I was obviously busy dropping the combustostunulator totem and running away, or bringing out one of my elementals and running away, or trying to put down Healing Stream and running away … multitasking.  Yeah.

If I'm Alive Enough To Yell, I'm Fine It's IMPORTANT to state how I feel.

If I’m Alive Enough To Yell, I’m Fine
It’s IMPORTANT to state how I feel.

My reactions to each dungeon were somewhat varied, depending on how painful the experience was.

Scarlet Halls
I don’t even remember this one anymore, which means it wasn’t that traumatic.

Mogu’shan Palace
Ffffffffff invis potions jeebus cripes get in the car it’s a lot of saurok.

Scholomance
Even though I’ve seen that ice wall a million times and know it’s coming, it turns out that ice walls can still freak me out bad.

Siege of Niuzao
THERE ARE ADDS EVERYWHERE THERE IS NOTHING THAT ISN’T AN ADD THAT ISN’T BAD.

Gate of the Setting Sun
Bombelina doesn’t like to be on the receiving end of multiple bombs.

Temple of the Jade Serpent
I still can’t run in nice, even circles.  I do more of an oval.  Or this kinda wobbly sort of shape …

Shado-Pan Monastery
Pandas are pushovers.

Stormstout Brewery
If I ever see another hozen, it’ll be too soon (and it’s gonna be a dead hozen).

Scarlet Monastery
So, elemental shamans get Solar Beam when a druid uses Symbiosis on them.  98% of the time, this is entirely regrettable and utterly pointless.  BUT HOLY CRAP, IS IT USEFUL HERE OR WHAT!

It’ll probably be a cold day in hell before you see me in another Challenge Mode dungeon.

Glass Half Full, Isle Half Empty

Wyrmrest Accord, where the majority of my characters live, is a high population server (to state the obvious).  We even suffered the indignity of login queues at peak hours from Christmas or so on until February!  Drenden, where Yynsia and Splattini currently reside, is about as far from a high population server as I can imagine existing.  It’s probably not actually close to the bottom at all, but it sure feels like it when you’re used to being surrounded.  (This one time I logged in, the population was listed as Medium.  Seriously!)  Drenden’s supposedly being combined with Arathor (wat? There’s a server named that?) today, so we’ll see if that changes anything.

A generally low population isn’t an issue for Splattini, who remains stuck in the 60s (I hit the BC Wall).  I level her via LFD, and I haven’t drawn up any mog sets for her yet, producing no need to purchase things off the AH.  Yynsia, though, she’s got problems.

YOU’RE CHARGING WHAT FOR THAT!?
Sigh.  Being an idiot, I thought that the AH on Drenden was going to be so much better than the one on WRA.  I mean, it’s not an RP server!  Therefore, people would pay less for the crap that’s really only good for transmog/RP!  And since there were less people, surely the prices wouldn’t be so freakishly high!  (I swear to Gawd everything on WRA jumped by a couple hundred gold when MoP went live.)

WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG.  The market is even more jacked up.  You still have the AH addons/gurus/people with disturbingly deep pockets controlling everything, but since there are fewer of them and less stuff, it’s easier for them to literally control every last freaking item!  True, people will pay a pretty penny for platekini on a RP realm, but at least there’s a little bit of competition to bring prices down.  Kinda.

Glyph prices?  Way higher.  One of the reasons I ditched leatherworking/skinning to take up herbing/inscription was the Allianceside glyph market – when you’re not in Mists level content, you simply don’t make enough via quests/dungeon runs to buy the useful ones.  (The other reason would be the simple fact that skinning makes me horribly OC.  I canNOT move on until all the mobs on the ground have been skinned.  Otherwise, I’M LEAVING PROFIT JUST LYING THERE.  This is enormously problematic in places like Blackrock Spire or Sunken Temple.)  I haven’t even LOOKED at enchants/gems yet.  I’m scared.  If a Jade Spirit enchant is like, 4k on WRA … I … I can’t do it.  I can’t.  I need somebody to hold my hand.

OMG TREASURE MAYBE?
Many boosted 90s are, shall we say, still figuring out their class – myself included.  The sad truth is that I’m pretty incompetent at Enhancement (super dinky offhand weapon doesn’t help), since I usually run Yynsia as Resto (and Bombelina’s geared enough to heal while in Elemental).  As a result, there are a lot of chests on the Isle with potential tokens in them on the that I just can’t get to.  I require other people to kill the mean, nasty mobs around them first!

WELL NOW WHAT I can't kill them fast enough!

WELL NOW WHAT
I can’t kill them fast enough!

On WRA, this usually doesn’t take very long.  (If somebody doesn’t intentionally kill said mob, they pull it while running, which means I get a nice window of opportunity to loot and run.)  On Drenden?  Well, yeah.  I’m not waiting for that to happen!  It’s not that I don’t see people at all.  It’s just that I haven’t seen anything like peak times on WRA, where pretty much everything is already tagged, dead, or respawning.

RARE! KILL IT KILL IT! OR NOT, I GUESS.
What with Yynsia’s gear and my poor understanding of Enhancement, somebody else has to hit the rare first because there is no effing way she is surviving.  Problem is, there aren’t a whole lot of people who will do that.  On WRA, strength in numbers counts for something.  Players that might otherwise not touch a mob first get impatient and do, knowing that enough help will arrive in time to save them.  Drenden?  Well, I just have to wait longer for that moment.

It is incredibly mind-boggling to me to see Evermaw just … happily swimming around the Isle, all chill and stuff.  I can follow him around, thanks to Water Walking.  I imagine him filtering all the Pandarian plankton with a whaleshark smile, safe in knowing that he’s not going to get chased down and brutally murdered anytime soon.

How To Survive Durumu’s Maze

The Full Title At the very moment of inspiration no less.

The Full Title
At the very moment of inspiration no less.

Lately I’ve been surprised by the number of people who perish in the flustercluck that is Durumu’s “maze” phase*, so I’ve written this guide for souls like me who want to survive but sometimes just can’t seem to manage it.   This is the “how to” for the folks who are observationally challenged, situationally incompetent or otherwise just generally confused.   It does NOT in any way instruct you how to do your role properly.  I do not cover other mechanics, nor the potential lore behind why the mogu would want to make an eyeball with teeth attached that also happens to be wearing a hat.  (The questions there really ARE endless!)  No, the sole point of this thing is HOW TO LIVE because IT’S KINDA IMPORTANT.  As written and illustrated, it is primarily intended for ranged players, but hell, since THE GOAL IS SURVIVAL and everybody likes that, melee can do it this way too if they want.

The good news is, nowadays folks are geared to the point where you’ll only have to deal with the maze phase once.  There have been a handful of occasions where I’ve seen Durumu downed even before it started.  But fear not if you must maze it.  Truly, my fellow LFRers, I once was like you.  And you.  And you.  And you, too.  I could not understand or see the maze properly.  It took ages before I figured out how it worked, let alone how to make it to the end of the phase!  Though I still think the maze is a bunch of purple bullsheeyit, I can offer actual, real-person proof that it is in fact possible to survive it on a regular basis.  So here is my Relatively Simple Way of making it.

CHOOSE YOUR BATTLE
(and it’s not the meters)

The key to the whole “making it out alive” thing is truly understanding your priorities during the maze.  So let’s make sure we all got the Most Important Thing up front and center: from the first laser until the last purple crap vanishes, you have exactly ONE THING to do, and that is to LIVE.  I am not kidding.  Nothing else matters.  Are you DPS?  Well, forget it.  Heals?  Obviously, you don’t wanna let the tanks go down, but YOU are the most important thing to heal.  Forget the deeps (unless they’re guildmates and can harass you for it later).  Tanks?  Well, uh, I’ve never tanked this particular fight, so I’m just gonna say, best pray to Gawd you tanks know WTF you’re doing.

In short, during the maze phase, DROP EVERYTHING BUT THE CONCEPT OF GETTING OUT ALIVE.

PREPARATION
(candy and summons are what warlocks are for, amirite?)

Let’s face it, you probably will stand in bad at one point or another, so you’ll want to bring a health potion or a healthstone to the fight with you.  They work instantly, which is ideal.  Standing still to cast a heal can be fraught with danger (for reasons laser beams discussed later).  I suppose you could be a druid with all the instant cast HoTs and so on, but for most of us that would require leveling and gearing.  Buying stuff off the AH or oppressing the warlock class is much easier.

KEY THINGS TO LOOK FOR
(not the purple fuzzy crap, that’s everywhere)

Fair Warning This beam.  This one.  Points back at the door where you entered from.

Fair Warning
This beam. This one. Points back at the door where you entered from.

First, look for this Disintegration Beam.  It ALWAYS points back at the door you entered the platform from, so it helps to keep your back to that door.  (This is also generally why all the freaking purple splotches are always on this side.)

Squigglies, Look For Them This part is very important.

Squigglies, Look For Them
This part is very important.

After a few seconds, these little itty bitty purple squiggly lines will appear on the ground, either on the left side or the right side of the beam.  This tells you which direction you need to run to, but not where specifically the openings will appear.  If you are going for the ranged path, aim towards the outside of the platform.  It’s incredibly important to move THE INSTANT you see these dang things, because you want as much of a head start on the laser beam of death as possible.

Find Your Opening Note that it can be on the far outside edge of the platform.

Find Your Opening (Highlighted)
Note that it can be on the far outside edge of the platform.

There are several paths or openings in the purple fuzz of doom, intended for melee and ranged classes.  These openings sometimes intersect during the phase, but are never together when they first start (so don’t hope for a double wide clear area at the beginning).  The melee circle is very close to the boss for obvious reasons, while the outermost ranged circle will be close to the edge of the platform.  The biggest advantage to the ranged channel is its larger diameter, which makes running the maze “feel” slower.  So if you’re having trouble with the inner melee one, screw that.  Forget DPS dignity.  Seriously, you’re gonna lose it when you die anyway, as death negatively impacts numbers.  When you see those purple squigglies, run your ass out to the outside edge, man.

Find Your Opening 2 Without red thingies added.

Find Your Opening 2
Without red thingies added.

I personally like having my camera zoomed WAY out, but most importantly, I also like having it pointing directly down.  This is because it makes the channels easier to see.  I dunno about you, but I have trouble discerning purple fuzz that’s closer vs. purple fuzz that’s farther away (and hence the opening the purple fuzz is on either side of)  when the camera is at more of an eye-level angle.

The path will open up before you, little by little.  It is VERY IMPORTANT to stay VERY CLOSE to the opening edge, if that makes sense.  Why?  BECAUSE DEATH.

This Is Why You Run FAST Do not dawdle, for you will get zapped daeeeeed.

This Is Why You Run FAST
Do not dawdle, for you will get zapped daeeeeed.

If you delay, you’ll get hit by this laser beam of death and doom, which is following you quite quickly (because purple crap by itself wasn’t trouble enough).  Ideally, you’re far enough ahead that you won’t actually see the laser at all.  But if you reacted slowly to the initial squigglies or channel opening, you may see the laser approaching swiftly from behind – and that’s bad.  Use any movement cooldowns to get further ahead.   (Good news – the laser cannot speed up!)  This is the point at which you are most likely to step in purple stuff.

If you have DBM, it will eventually start a countdown to the end of the phase.  If you are NOT on the cutting edge of path opening, DO NOT STOP when the countdown begins – the laser persists for a bit longer, and it would suck to get zapped at the end.  Only stop when there literally is no more clear “forward” area where you can go.

The purple stuff will then vanish, and CONGRATULATIONS!  You might still be alive!  YAY!

 

* Depending on the day, I normally expect slightly less than half the LFR to die – but it seems as though the number is on the rise!  KNOWLEDGE IS POWER.  LEMME SHARE MY KNOWLEDGE.